New York, NY – In response to John Edwards criticism on homeland security, President Bush vowed to protect America from further attacks by adding a new color to the terror alert.

“America has triumphed in the war against terrorism and in the protection of our citizens; however, our country can never be too cautious in preventing future attacks.” addressed Bush at the Republican National Convention Monday.

“After months of research we have taken a major step in protecting our country by adding the color purple to the Homeland Security Advisory System Chart; this way, we will know when our country is truly fucked.”

While the creation of the new alert will cost the country approximately $355 million dollars, New Yorkers have already applauded President Bush’s efforts in scaring the shit out Americans.

“I always thought something was missing from the current terror alert,” said Greenwich Village resident Sandy Markowitz.

“When the alert was on Red I was scared, but not ‘shit my pants’ scared. With Purple added to the alert, I can now cry myself to sleep without having doubts on whether I am overreacting.”

In addition to adding the purple alert, new steps have begun in creating a more alert nation. New funding has been approved in supplying radiation detectors for all of the major cities including Chicago, Los Angeles, San Francisco and New York City.

“This proposed funding will make a world of difference in maintaining security and alerting our citizens of any potential danger,” said New York City Mayor Michael Bloomberg.

“With these new radiation detectors, we will finally know when we are up shit’s creek without a paddle.”

Despite an ongoing backlash to the President, Republicans are confident that appropriate measures will continue in maintaining a more secure America.

“This is a difficult time for America where we must make difficult decisions; and I believe America will look towards the Republicans in keeping this country safe,” said President Bush. “Now lets get the fuck out this city before it gets blown to shit.”