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Magazine
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Hampton
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NY Party News Magazine
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News
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Bush Vows Better Homeland Security by Scaring
the Shit Out of Americans
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New York, NY – In response to John Edwards criticism on homeland security, President Bush vowed to protect America from further attacks by adding a new color to the terror alert.
“America has triumphed in the war against terrorism and in the protection of our citizens; however, our country can never be too cautious in preventing future attacks.” addressed Bush at the Republican National Convention Monday.
Slain Hamas Leader Discovers 74 Virgins 'Ain't
Nothing but a Bunch of Skanks'
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Former Hamas leader and founder, Sheik Ahmed Yassin, who had been killed by Israeli forces on March 21st reported to have made a grim discovery of the afterlife. According to the slain butcher, the "72 virgins of paradise" ain't nothing more than a bunch of skanky ho's who've passed around for generations. "I am more than outraged," said the herpes encrusted sheik. "I had lived a martyrs life, waiting to live eternally with Allah on one side and 72 virgins on the other; however, these nasty skanks have already plagued me with more diseases than humanly possible."
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Bin Laden Spotted at an Anti-Bush Rally
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Washington, DC - NASA scientists say the first Mars rover, which had been providing detailed information on the Red Planet, was discovered roaming the desert terrain in the Tucson Arizona. The glum discovery came only days after scientists said to have found hard evidence of water on the planet, which had actually been an old Poland Spring bottle.
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219 Iraqi POW's Charged With Public Indecency
ABU GHRAIB, Iraq - Following a month-long world-wide investigation of the Abu Ghraib prison, the Federal Communications Commission (FCC) has filed a multi-billion dollar lawsuit against 219 Iraqis, who shamelessly displayed their nudity for public viewing.
Mars Rover Discovered in Tucson Arizona
Los Olivos, CA - In response to Tuesday's raid at the infamous "Neverland" ranch, Michael Jackson announced that he will be joining the Catholic Priesthood to reform the pedophile image that has followed him for the past ten years.
Michael Jackson Joins Catholic Priesthood to Reform Self-Image
Los Olivos, CA - In response to Tuesday's raid at the infamous "Neverland" ranch, Michael Jackson announced that he will be joining the Catholic Priesthood to reform the pedophile image that has followed him for the past ten years.
Sharon Regrettably Learns He is Arafat's Secret Santa
Jerusalem, Israel - The ongoing, deteriorating peace process took a step forward Tuesday after Israeli Prime Minister Ariel Sharon was inadvertently selected to be Yassir Arafat's Secret Santa.
Paris Hilton Sues Kazaa Over Loss of Profits from Sex Video
New York, NY - Paris Hilton, the famous hotel heiress to the Hilton fortune, was angered by the ease with which visitors to Kazaa.com can freely download and share her sex video and has filed a copyright infringement suit against the company.
Saddam Turns Self In For $25 Million Reward
Baghdad, Iraq - In a shocking turn of events, Saddam Hussein, former ruler and tyrant of Iraq turned himself in on Thursday to U.S. officials. Complying with U.S. protocol, President George W. Bush awarded Hussein the $25 million dollars, which was promised to go to the individual who's information led to the capture of Saddam Hussein.
Mel Gibson's Re-Titled Film 'The Jewish Christ Killers Who Took Over Hollywood' Fuels Controversy
Hollywood, CA - Variety Magazine reports that no major studio wants to touch Mel Gibson's latest film, "The Passion," since it has been re-titled to "The Jewish Christ Killers who took over Hollywood."
Bush Finally Finds Humor Behind His Last Name
Washington, DC - Following a report of the Iraq situation by Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld on Monday, President George W. Bush burst out laughing after hearing his last name mentioned in a humorous manner.
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Gerbil Wins $3.2 Million Decision Against Actor Richard Gere
Hollywood, CA - In a stunning victory for molested gerbils across the nation, Judge Victor Mahon ruled in favor of Snuggles, the unfortunate gerbil who was trapped in Richard Gere's rectum for more than 14 hours. Mr. Gere will be forced to pay $3.2 million in medical expenses and mental anguish.
Straight Guy Way Too into 'Queer Eye for the Straight Guy'
Boulder, CO - Despite having a 3-month girlfriend and a steady subscription to Maxim magazine, Aaron Malone is "way to into that show 'Queer Eye for the Straight Guy'", say friends.
Bloomberg Upset to Find Himself the Face of a Molestation Ad Campaign
New York, NY - The National Organization for the Reform of Molestation Laws (NORML), launched a new $500,000 ad campaign in New York City this week, urging an end to the massive number of arrests of molesters.
Abstinance Popular Practice Among Losers
College Park, MD - In a recent study released by University of Maryland, there has been a significant rise of sexual activity and the transfer of STD's among teenagers. However, despite this study abstinence is still the most common practice among losers.
Peanuts Star Sued For Involvement In 'Bitches Gone Wild'
Miami Beach, FL - Famed beagle Snoopy the Dog, who partnered with Girls Gone Wild founder Joseph Francis to release Bitches Gone Wild Doggy Style was hit with a lawsuit by a former bitch.
Jayson Blair Resigns Following Scandal at MacDonald's
New York, NY - Involved in yet another scandal, McDonald's cashier Jayson Blair resigned Thursday after he was accused of taking the secret sauce used on a Big Mac and passing it off as his own.
Fox Pulls Plug on 'When Joe Millionaire Attacks'
West Los Angeles, CA - After two months of sinking ratings, Fox studios decided to pull the plug on their latest reality flop, "When Joe Millionaire Attacks".
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